My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Got him!
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
What is going on? 😅