I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”