me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality