Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in