My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone