They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Mouse
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Cartman: Respect my
a a
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to