Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.