If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.