First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung