My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.