In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.