OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
You Might Also Like
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago