People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.