I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Where is your GOD now????
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I beg your pardon?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?