Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.