The funk soul brother
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Nomnomnomnom