Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
i wish we could shoplift online
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.