Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The cashier just checked me out.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.