To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
What the hell is going on?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Breaking news:
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense