Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Knock Knock
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.