Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
me before I type out affect or effect
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years