no such thing as a dumb question
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I know karate and tons of other words.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions