feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
You Might Also Like
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?