My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
All generalizations are stupid.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t