Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You Might Also Like
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*