The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.