The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock