asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?