Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Van Gone
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot