There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.