“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
You Might Also Like
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.