One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Meow
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.