*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
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Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.