I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
You better watch out
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”