you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
You Might Also Like
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk