Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples