My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Weirdos gonna weird.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”