Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I鈥檓 also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody鈥檚 fault and none of us could have predicted this
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it鈥檇 be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Time heals everything 馃檪
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I鈥檇 love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I鈥檝e got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You鈥檙e the reason we have these meetings.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn鈥檛 say I鈥檝e let quarantine life change me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can鈥檛 trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*