Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.