My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Oh the world we live in…
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad