When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story