me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*