In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*