Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Pikachu found the lost joint
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers