Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
(Gaming support cat.)
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!