My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Who says great literature is dead?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.