Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Life with a cat in one tweet
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up