If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You Might Also Like
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.