Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Friends that check up on you >
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit