I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Pretty certain I can more drunk
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift